Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since