[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it