[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

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HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry


My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.


If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door


What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?


Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?


Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it



“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”


My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.


[opens door for two Jehovah’s witnesses]

Ugh…ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I’ll get the virgin from the basement.