@NewDadNotes

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

You Might Also Like

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

@Phook75

If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door

@elle91

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

@BoogTweets

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

@Fred_Delicious

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

@MeetYourDaddy

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

@iGreenMonk

My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@novicefather

[opens door for two Jehovah’s witnesses]

Ugh…ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I’ll get the virgin from the basement.