[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
😲 WTF? 😆
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Word!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
groan^2
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch