(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
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Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”