(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?


Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.


Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m


If she’s freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place


So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.


When someone asks me, “Is this seat saved?” I like to say “No, but we’re still praying for it” and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.


ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.


I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes


Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.