@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

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@crownjuul

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

@Lisabug74

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

@davidgrossTV

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

@QwertyJones3

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

@SCbchbum

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

@KeetPotato

“chill before serving” is the best advice I can think of if you’re an angry waitress

@stevevsninjas

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

@legendofchelda

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

@ValeeGrrl

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*