[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Don’t talk down to me
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
This meal prepping shit easy
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Yes, but it was never about money
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing