Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
#StillHurts
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
multitasking lunch