@ThePocketJustin

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

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@ChrisEdCaruso

Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!

@uhhmmily

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

@abbycohenwl

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

@notmythirdrodeo

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

@TheJamesH1

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

@fro_vo

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[date]

W: I’m really into astronomy.
M: Oh! What’s your sign?
W: The one that knows the difference between science & superstitious idiocy.

@CatGee1989

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

@meganamram

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

@bigmacher

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’