Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.