@BoomBoomBetty

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

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@zaiush_sarel

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@bouncerface

Everyone complains about immigration until they’re searching the city for a decent taco.

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

@thenatewolf

Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.

@TimFederle

WHAT DO WE WANT?
fewer deadlines!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
see, this is the problem

@JamColley

two year old comes up to me asking if I’ve seen a dummy, unaware that she’s just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.

@CantWaitToNap

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

@apollilaire

i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box

@MissHavisham

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

@ficklenuts

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”