[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre