HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
water it, i dare you
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.