Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make

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If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.


My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.


My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny


*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now


Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.


Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue


‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.


me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets


People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.


What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance