Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.