Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.