@tastefactory
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
@iwearaonesie
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
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@tastefactory
@Tha1thtgotawy
Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?
Asking for a friend.
@girl_a_whirl
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
@ItsAndyRyan
Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
@3sunzzz
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
@QwertyJones3
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
@wankcity
“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*
@bobvulfov
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
@klimtsonian
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
@torrami
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.