watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
cats when you pet them too long:
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers