watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.


Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?

Asking for a friend.


The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.


Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.


“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*


“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*


me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie


“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments


Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.