me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
From Facebook just now…
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.