[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.