@trojansauce

[watching the little mermaid]
NEPHEW: mermaids arent real
SISTER: not in front of your uncle-
ME *slamming down my beer* I KNOW WHAT I SEEN

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@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

@Smooheed

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

@truegritrumble

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

@idiosity

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

@ehdannyboy

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

@amazymay72x

My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.

@ArfMeasures

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu