My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[watching the little mermaid]
NEPHEW: mermaids arent real
SISTER: not in front of your uncle-
ME *slamming down my beer* I KNOW WHAT I SEEN
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My 12yo son’s protip:
Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu