[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
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me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
#dalle2
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house