Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Easy enough.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge