[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
He-man has a Masters degree
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo