[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.