Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
You Might Also Like
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok