[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My dad teaching me to drive
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.