Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
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Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?