[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

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I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…


[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5


My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?


1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.



Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”


Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.


[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*


A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain


Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*