@squirrel74wkgn

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

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@NathanBgood

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

@whinecheezits

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

@ProdigyNelson

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

@urfavoritejoel

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

@bananagrvyrd

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

@Man_Ona_Ledge

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@ArfMeasures

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear