[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You Might Also Like
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The Assassin.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro