@MatCro

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

You Might Also Like

@LostFelicia

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

@not_thenanny

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

@pimecorp

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

@squirrel74wkgn

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

@momTruthBomb

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

@VanGobot

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

@TheAlexP

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

@IronWang

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

@SvnSxty

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good