Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good