*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
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Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”