*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
You Might Also Like
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
#titanic
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.