[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?