[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop