Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
You Might Also Like
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.