Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
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[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.