I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too
DATE:wow we should all meet up
[cut to us at a house of mirrors]
DATE: your brother is quiet
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[driving 2 school]
*looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats
WAIT! IF YOU’RE HERE THEN…
[cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*