@sherlock_er

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

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@jane_bot

I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

@trojansauce

ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too
DATE:wow we should all meet up
[cut to us at a house of mirrors]
DATE: your brother is quiet

@junejuly12

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

@Rlpihl

[driving 2 school]
*looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats
WAIT! IF YOU’RE HERE THEN…
[cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]

@CuddleYourCat

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

@iwearaonesie

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*