Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”