[Water cooler]
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

You Might Also Like


Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”



Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!


More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”


If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.


Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006