@Dr_awfulpants

[Water cooler]
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

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@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

@DumbConfessions

Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”

Both: “LOLOLOLOL”

@Megatronic13

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

@jegheterbella

More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”

@FuckabillyRex

If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.

@Kyle1092

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006