[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
dads on road-trips be like
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Vodka burrito was a success
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up