Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

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Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this


ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?



My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.


Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.


jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget


Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.


“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”


I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.


The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.