@lilgapeach32

Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

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@david8hughes

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

@omgthatspunny

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

@KKAlThani

Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.

@AaronFullerton

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

@usermcuserface

I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.

@Darlainky

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.