Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

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Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.


MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.


[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.


WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff


In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat


Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that


My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.


Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.