@girlontapas

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

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@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

@daplusk

I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $150

@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

@ericsshadow

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

@timdonakowski

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

@SteveSuckington

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

@carlyken

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

@stoneman67

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

@CulturedRuffian

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

@kimtopher22

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.