This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
2 stinky teenagers.
Send wine and bail money.
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I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $150
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.