Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
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I know karate and tons of other words.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“Why you watching this shit?”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Wait a minute…