Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
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Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.