@ojedge

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

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@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@RobElliottComic

Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack?
Me: ‘BEAR’-ly!
F: HA! Any injuries?
Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE… He’s definitely dead…

@JohnHilsen

The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.

@HrBry

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

@Trudacious

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

@OakHill_

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

@KalvinMacleod

[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.

@panmidwest

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”