WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”


Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack?
Me: ‘BEAR’-ly!
F: HA! Any injuries?
Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE… He’s definitely dead…


The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.


“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman


I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.


Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.


[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.


Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”