WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES