Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
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*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad