Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

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I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.


I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.


*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS


If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.


As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.


Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.


Me: Just once?


Me: Please?


Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?


[first date]

Date: I’m really big into astrology, I’m a Scorpio

Me: *trying to impress* I’m a tarantula


Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.