@dru0887

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

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@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@Renie_Rivas

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

@DurtMcHurtt

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

@gobmentcheese

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

@rohtalks

As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

@DaddyJew

[first date]

Date: I’m really big into astrology, I’m a Scorpio

Me: *trying to impress* I’m a tarantula

@ToxicProbably

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.