Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.