@Izianikapani

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

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@ben_rosen

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

@robwhisman

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

@Scdavis24

That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like….

‘I’ve got nothing man.’

@Playing_Dad

[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct

@captainkalvis

[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus

@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

@joryjohn

[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”

@ddsmidt

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here