Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Sing it!
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
So glad we cleared that up
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
The Punning Dead.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.