Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
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me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression