[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
You Might Also Like
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it