@Illuminati_Stop

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

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@hpb777

I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.

@doktorj

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

@tiffistrying

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

@TrainedHedonist

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

@msdanifernandez

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

@wickedsuga

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

@Momtoteens

Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”