I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
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Me: Good night Moon
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Welcome to the dark side.
Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”