Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.