*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
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Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.