Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”