WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that


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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…


HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*


8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…


Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.


Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.


I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”


me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff


I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*


The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League