WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.