WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
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Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.