WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.


Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex


Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.


Loan me a couple bucks?
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
Can I even pay with these?


As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.


“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.


You can’t trust anyone you meet online

I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him


My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.


I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.