WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

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Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code


[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME


if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”


All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.


Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.


Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.


Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits


I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.