@KickSumHunibuns

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

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@internetluke

Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code

@GrantTanaka

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

@ellorysmith

if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@Eden_Eats

Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@prufrockluvsong

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

@vineyille

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

@BatBatshitcrazy

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.