Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
it was a valiant fight
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Genius idea!!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I’d hang this in my house.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.