@garrydavenport

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

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@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

@carlyken

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

@david8hughes

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

@Bob_Heller

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

@FauxPelini

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

@Brampersandon_

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: I’d rather not, I’d like to get this job

@tekkie

Girlfriend: Ok you hang up ๐Ÿ™‚
Boyfriend: No You hang up first ๐Ÿ™‚
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up

@flashember

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

@KThonvold

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.